3 Reasons the Loss of a Pet Can Feel Worse Than the Loss of a Relative
Understanding why pet loss can feel uniquely painful - and how to find compassion in your grief.
3 Reasons The Loss of a Pet Can Feel Worse than the Loss of a Relative
Clients often come to me, shocked and ashamed, after the death of a pet.
Shocked at how incredibly raw their pain is, and ashamed because this grief felt more intense than the death of some relatives. Some people end up experiencing guilt because the loss of a pet is sometimes felt more acutely than that of even the loss of a parent, and will interpret that as a sign they loved their pet more than their parent.
I’m here to gently remind you not to judge or rate your grief, and to remind you that the way you grieve is not necessarily related to the way you love. There are some elements to pet loss that can often stand in contrast to the loss of certain friends or family members.
Social Norms Around Grief
After the loss of a human life, such as a parent, a series of events usually begin. Friends and family may initially gather. Phone calls will be made. A funeral or burial service may be planned. Sometimes even the scattering of ashes may be a ritual which draws a gathering of loved ones. The point is, society has many rituals that help a person grieve alongside other people. Employers may offer paid time off to grieve your loss. Society acknowledges the emotional, financial, and logistical weight of the loss. In this article in the Washington Post, the term “disenfranchised grief” is used to describe loss that is not publicly mourned nor societally legitimized. This can leave someone in mourning for their pet feeling incredibly isolated in their grief.
Constancy
Our pets live with us, usually sharing not just a roof, but a couch or a bed. My dog is my shadow. He is on the couch next to me as I type this. If I get up, so does he. He follows me from room to room, down the stairs, and even into the bathroom, where he stands guard against potential threats so I can relieve myself free of whatever he thinks is a threat. I spend more time with my dog on a daily basis than any relative or friend. He comes with me to the beach, for walks, and for hikes. He came with me on otherwise “solo” adventures spanning thousands of miles. Our pets, and their love, are constant and uncomplicated.
Euthanasia
Accepting a pet into your life often means inviting in one of life’s most impossible decisions: the decision of euthanasia. The word euthanasia is based in Greek words, and can essentially be translated as “good death”, “easy death”, or “soft death”. Most of us will outlive our pets, whether that is a fish, a bird, a horse, a cat or a dog. And many of us will be placed in a position of deciding whether to allow our pet to die of natural causes, or have them euthanized. This decision brings up so many feelings, including a guilt that can feel unbearable. Unlike people, animals cannot tell us their end-of-life wishes. They can’t tell us to give them another week. They can’t tell us if the quality of life they currently have is acceptable to them, or if they’d rather be free of pain.
I hope my words can alleviate a little of the confusion and guilt that can accompany pet loss. No, grieving intensely for your pet does not mean you loved them more than you loved your spouse, or sibling, or parent, or friend. It is simply different, and I’m here to help you honor that difference.
Contact me today if you’re struggling with grief over a lost pet, or even experiencing anticipatory grief for a pet who is still alive.